In Honor of This Life's Battle

Last night, the ever admirable Cristin Zeisler published a blog post entitled "The Gift of my Father's Suicide". I read it a few times before I went to sleep, not quite believing its existence. Part of me is amazed by the perfect timing of its publishing - today is the 3rd anniversary of my brother Jason's suicide. Another part of me is amazed by the fact that, while the details of my and Cristin's situations may be different, the overall message of her post fits perfectly into the confused space in my brain where sadness, grief, anger, bitterness, relief, and motivation all vie for my attention on a regular basis.

During the year or so before Jason died, we talked a lot - more than we ever had in our whole lives. Unfortunately, one of my takeaways from those conversations was that he and I both suffered from some of the same fears and paranoias about certain aspects of life. It was clear that the circumstances of our lives unconsciously led us down very different paths when it came to dealing with those issues, yet neither of us had figured out how to manage the demons. I was continuously working on it in my own way though, making slow progress towards an undefined, yet understood goal of some sort of peace. Despite the fact that there were openings for him all over the place, I think he still felt continuously trapped. And none of us were apparently skilled enough at convincing him that he could in fact survive the uncertainty and confusion of the outside world. In the end, Jason's demons got the best of him, and he ended his fight with life.   

Almost immediately after I found out that he had decided to die, I was generally OK with it. It was still sad and horrible, but I think I also understood that I couldn't blame him for being tired of having to fight all the time. I had quickly made the decision that I had to continue the work I'd already been doing; but, now I'd be fighting for two. When we went to his apartment to clear things out, the scope of this fight got even bigger because I saw that, not only did we both have clogged up brains, but we were both absolutely horrendous at keeping an uncluttered home. 

The fight thus far has been much more challenging than I had expected and hoped, but I continue to be determined to keep making progress. Cristin ends her blog post by saying "I thank him for showing me what path to take — It’s always the one that he didn’t take. It’s always the one that says: Keep going." Part of me still feels guilty about identifying with that so strongly, but thankfully another part of me relishes in its truth. While the fights with our shared demons and my own demons are not quite over in my head, my outside world continues to provide ammo in the form of friends, family, and colleagues who embody the wisdom and love that will allow me to ultimately win this life's battle. And so I march on...